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Friday, June 27, 2003
Strom
Ah, I remember Strom. Say what you will, but to me, he will never be just "that segregationist presidential candidate and racist fuckwit." Oh, he was that, too, but he was also so much more.
To me, Strom will always be that nervous, soft spoken, stuttering Southern lad who sent me a letter asking me to be his prom date. He had seen a picture of me in a local paper and wrote me a letter asking me to accompany him to the prom because "I was the whitest white girl he had ever seen." Well, it was a newsprint drawing and I was dealing with consumption at the time, but it would have taken too long to explain this to him, so I agreed.
It was the first time I had ever been to a prom in the United States before. I had imaged a band and dancing couples, but it turns out that a prom in Strom's town meant 14 lads in white hoods and one girl, that being me. Well, far from a night of dancing, I was treated to something called the "South will rise again and again shis-ka-bob," not that I objected, mind you.
Perhaps the repeal of the sodomy law did have something to do with older Strom's passing, but young Strom certainly didn't have any problem with it. In fact, I would say he gave as good as he got - but I suppose he had to, seeing as I was the only lady and he was th most "fey" of the other participants.
Anyhow, everything was going swimmingly until, at a moment of passion, I cried out, 'Strom, you make love like a Chinaman!' Well, the atmosphere turned postively icey and the next thing I knew, I was back on the stage coach for Kitchener without so much as a "how dee do."
Alas, I mourn his passing. In his memory, I will make love to a Chinaman tonight. Perhaps two.
(Written at YesAnd.com, but worth a looksie here, too)
6:00 PM
Friday, May 30, 2003
There is Still Life, So There is Still Hope
Yes, I have been busy, as you have probably guessed, but I have been busy with something wonderful. As many of you know, my dear old friend Bob Hope turned 100 this week. I have been planning a birthday extravaganza for the great comedian.
I tried to call up his friends, but they are nearly all dead. However, calling them brought back memories... Such memories...
I remember I was a breast double for Dorothy Lamour while Bob and Bing Crosby were filming The Road to Perdition (never released, though I understand there was a remake of the film featuring Paul Newman). I never understood why Dorothy needed me, as she had quite the finest set of breasts in Hollywood at the time.
She took me aside during filming, however, and begged, "please, be as perky as you can. Please..." She then burst into tears and ran off into the night. I later learned that her breats had smothered a 20th Century Fox executive during a wrap party for Johnny Apollo. She had become convinced that "delightfully perky" was preferable to "firm and Hindenburg shaped," silly girl.
At any rate, it got me some work, so I had no business complaining.
Bob was always a perfect gentleman, and his wife, Dolores, watched him like a hawk, so there was no chance for me to enact any of my "Balling Bing and Bob" fantasies. The nearest I got, alas, was a steamy encounter with Monsieur Crosby, his caddy and a nine iron. I think I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.
This week, I was to leap out of a cake for dear old Bob, but he was not up to it. Indeed, he seemed to be totally unaware that I was even there, so complete was his focus on his new video games. He seemed to particularly enjoy "Extreme Beach Volleyball," for obvious reasons.
So, happy birthday Bob! I hope you drank deep and heartily and that it wasn't just geritol!
Cheers!
6:13 PM
Friday, March 28, 2003
Oscar Fever
Well, for the first time in a life time, I failed to watch the Academy Awards. I knew they were on but, somehow, could not gather up the energy to watch them, much less get dressed, fly down to L.A. and attend them. Frankly, I am not sure who one most of the awards. I understand Roman Polanski, that darling old pederast, did quite well for himself. I am sure Martin Scorsese is kicking himself for not taking advantage of any 13 year old girls over his career. Well, or at least not making it public.
Now, let me see, according to a news source, some gentleman named Adrian Brody won best actor. Well, he seems cute enough. I, of course, won't go to see movies about the Holocaust. The costumes are always so dreary.
Oh, look, Nicole Kidman won an Oscar for that Meryl Streep film she was in. Well, she is a darling girl. I thought she and Tom Cruise made adorable "beards" for each other, if you catch my drift. I was always secretly hoping they would be interested in a threesome. She was game, but Tom just wasn't interested. Even when I offered to invite Maurice, my chauffer.
Now much else to talk about, except that Bob Fosse did such a wonderful job bringing "Chicago" to the screen that he didn't even have to be alive to finish the project. Well done, Bob!
That's all for the Oscars and, frankly, I couldn't care less. How odd. I must be sobering up.
12:45 AM
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Hello darlings!
I just received this e-mail from my dear friend, Eliza Godwin! She asked me to fill in the blanks of this famous speech. Not being one to listen to speeches (I prefer to be underneath the podium, if you catch my drift), I have no idea how to fill in these blanks. Could one of you dears give me a hand? I hate to appear foolish in front of Eliza!
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[Term that describes who the speech is addressed to], if the [country] government and its leader patiently endured such treatment [country] would deserve only to disappear from the political stage. But I am wrongly judged if my love of peace and my patience are mistaken for weakness or even cowardice. I, therefore, decided Wednesday night and informed the [country] government that in these circumstances I can no longer find any willingness on the part of the [country] government to conduct serious negotiations with us.
The other [set of countries] understand in part our attitude. I should like all to thank [country], which throughout has supported us, but ... we will carry out this task ourselves.
This night for the first time, [country] regular soldiers fired on our [noun]. Since 5:45 a.m. we have been returning the fire and from now on bombs will be met with bombs. Whoever fights with poison gas will be fought with poison gas. Whoever departs from the rules of humane warfare can only expect that we shall do the same ... until the safety, security of the [government] and its rights are secured.
--Address by [blank] to the [blank], [date]
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Thanks for your help, loves! Ta ta!
4:24 PM
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Terrible news, darlings!
Due to the war, the carpet walk at the Oscars may be canceled!
Damn this war! Damn, damn, damn.
8:45 PM
Monday, March 10, 2003
Hello Darlings!
I am pleased to announce that the quintuple bypass was a complete success! I am back online and will be enjoying a drink or two over at Wondergirl's little place! But expect regular updates here, as well.
Ta ta!
11:00 PM
Monday, December 16, 2002
Dreadfully sorry that I haven't updated of late. I have been despondent since learning that Russel Crowe was planning on getting married.
Alas, another one bites the dust.
10:46 AM
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