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Lady Potamus' Tea Room
Tuesday, June 11, 2002  
Oh, Wynonna Ryder! What am I ever going to do with you?

As many of you know, my dear friend, Ms. Ryder, has been ordered to stand trial. I have been comforting her constantly for the last week, though she has refused my offers of financial assistance. I ever stuck some money in my purse and left the room in the hopes that she would lift it and use it in her legal defense, but all she took was the purse itself. She left the contents, including the cash, on the couch.

Who can blame her, I suppose. it was a very cute little bag.

Anyhow, I couldn't help but notice that she has a little tattoo in the small of her back. At first I thought it was a mole, and a hairy one at that, but upon closer inspection I realized it read "Johnny Forever."

"Zoinks," I thought, "Zoinks and away!"

I had thought she had been over Johnny Depp for nearly a decade, but she confessed she got the tattoo shortly after seeing him making time with her Mermaids' little sister Christina Ricci in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

Alas, poor Ms. Ryder is falling prey to the myth that woman become useless as they get older in Hollywood. Darling, they don't become useless. They become embittered casting agents and assistant producers. I mean, get real.

Apparently, she was also displeased that Christina Ricci's breasts have spawned an entire subculture of celebrity porn. I tried to explain that there were only one, perhaps two, pictures of Ms. Ricci's boobs out there, and that this is hardly a subculture. She replied, "at least people are interested in her boobs." I tried to assure her that people were interested in Wynnona's boobs as well, but she was sobbing like an infant, and not even my sudden breast groping could perk her out of it.

Poor Wynonna! At least I managed to get her durnk.

3:44 AM

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