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Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Well!
I must apologize for my lack of updates! I am, as many of you know, a tad eldery. One might even say ancient. I like to think of myself as "well preserved." If you saw me, you wouldn't think, "Oh, there goes a brittle old lady." I should hope you would think, "who is that randy octagenerian lush?"
Anyhow, I was in a brief coma as a result of a liver infection. All better now! New liver is working splendidly.
It has been a big couple of weeks in the world of celebrity, though! Indeed, one of my personal protoges, R. Kelly has been having some legal difficulties. I can't help but blame myself.
You see, I met R. when he was just a little Kelly. He was all of 15 and all muscle. He used to come to my apartment and just hang out for hours as I drank, mixed records, and told stories of my various affairs with Hollywood and Motown elite.
Well, one day, in a drunken stupor, I seduced the poor lad. I even filmed out encounter.
"Everyone does it, R.!" I shouted as I brought him to climax for a fourteenth time. Ah, young men.
I later edited the videotape into an artistic montage and sent it to his parents as a Christmas gift. R.'s father was so proud of the young man that he finally bought him his own recording studio. It was touching.
Anyhow, I am back and feeling strong now! Look for more updates soon and, in the meanwhile, throw a few back for my original liver!]
Ta ta, darlings!
8:37 PM
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