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Lady Potamus' Tea Room
Friday, September 13, 2002  
Kiss kiss!

Well, I just got off the phone with my dear old friend Nick Nolte. It seems that he has gotten in trouble for driving while drunk.

I realize that this isn't a very popular point of view in our country these days, but I think we take the "crime" of drunk driving way too seriously.

Indeed, our country has a grand history of romantic celebrity maiming and deaths that would not have occured were it not for driving while intoxicated. I remember when I first read that my dear, dear friend Jackson Pollock had died in a driving accident. "Good for him," I thought, "he would have wanted it that way."

I think we will all agree that driving and drinking are two very pleasant activities. What better way to die than when doing both? Personally, it has been my fantasy that I would die while firmly mounted on Richard Harris's stick shift, sloshed, as he drove down the autobahn at breakneck speeds. At the very moment I climaxed, which is not an easy thing for me to achieve when I am numbed from the whiskey, he would plow directly into the wheels of an oncoming bus laden with nuns and schoolchildren. It would be a scandal that would make headlines across the world.

"Harris Kills Nuns and Orphans in Drunken, Fiery Crash"

Somewhere, down in the third or fourth paragraph, you would read, "an unidentified friend of Harris' also died in the crash and had to be pried off his still living body." Ah, that would be me. I would be dead, but I would be drunk and satieted, perhaps for the first time in my sinful life.

So, to Nick Nolte I say, "fight the law, brother!"

Now everyone go have a gin and take a spin!


5:28 PM

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