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Lady Potamus' Tea Room
Saturday, September 21, 2002  
Hello Darlings!

You may notice a bit of a change in the layout to the old tearoom. I decided that Piet Mondrian was so "1930" and "1973," so I nixed that multi-colored design in favor of this elegant black, white and grey layout. The best thing about this is that small babies will be able to enjoy the site as much as adults.

I have also decided to remove that depressing "Blog Hot or Not" box. At first, I enjoyed watching my friends rank me "10." Alas, as the days went by, I watched the "1" column slowly rise like a coke fiend's erection. It was most distressing. Now, we are once again hot in our own minds, albeit not in the minds of others that never would have even visited here had I not signed us up with "Hot or Not."

Anyhow, all of this html edited work has exhausted me. I am going to have a quick nightcap, then it is off to bed with me!

Ta ta, loves!

11:50 PM

Tuesday, September 17, 2002  
Hello Darlings!

Lady Potamus here! Well, tragedy has struck yet another wonderful celebrity, LaWanda Page, best known for playing Aunt Esther on that classic bit of American entertainment, Sanford and Son.

I realize that many of you might be too young or too "hep" to remember this classic Redd Foxx series. If I may say so, it is, after a fashion, one of the most erotic television shows that ever ran on American network television.

Back in the 1970's, when Sanford and Son was on the air, I was living with a charming Venezualan mobster named Miguel "Little Toes" Yuban. He aquired his nickname because he had nearly been killed by a rival family while he was "shrimping" Argentina's 1968 candidate for Ms. Universe.

Miguel couldn't stand Redd Foxx. He didn't really speak much English, Miguel, but he knew that Redd was saying things that work making other people laugh.

"Dees people - dey laugh at this Foxx man, yes?"

"Si, Miguel! He is a scream!"

"I theenk he is making fun... OF ME!"

He would shout this in a cocaine induced fury and then throw the TV off the veranda into the pool. In his drug fueled rage, he would lean me over the balcony, snort a line off of my smooth, alabaster back, and then ride me like a snowmobile across the great northern tundra.

Soon, anytime he heard that delightful theme music from Sanford and Son, he would have a Pavlovian response. A TV would die a watery death and I would be having another cool Artic experience with my hot Latin lover.

Alas, the good times came to an end when he made the mistake of pulling one of our TVs into the jacuzzi with him upon hearing that dreadful, wonderful music. He was eletrocuted, but he died like a man - naked, unshaven, and fully erect.

How I miss the 1970's!

Anyhow, darlings, time for a daycap!

11:55 AM

Monday, September 16, 2002  
Hello Darlings!

I have just added myself to a charming project called "Is My Blog Hot or Not." You will, no doubt, note the hideous new little box maring my otherwise pristine Piet Mondrian cum Partridge Family design. Alas, this is how we whore ourselves for exposure in the modern world.

I have decided to reprint for your reading pleasure several things I wrote at YesAnd.com. I feel that they capture parts of my life that desperately need to be shared with the world. Remember, those who study their own mistakes are able to repeat the more pleasant ones. Cheers, and enjoy!


Hello Sweeties!

Well, it was one of the music industry's biggest nights tonight! Yes, The Grammys were held somewhere in America. I no longer keep track of where for fear that even thinking of the location will summon the two Rivers women to my home, where they will descend like locusts into my walk-in closet.

Anyhow, it is my understand that Alicia Keys won a Grammy for Best New Artist I would like to take this opportunity to take a quick looksie at some of the past winners of the Best New Artist Grammy, courtesy of Rock on the Net:

2001: Shelby Lynne
2000: Christina Aguilera
1999: Lauryn Hill
1998: Paula Cole
1997: LeAnn Rimes
1996: Hootie & The Blowfish
1995: Sheryl Crow
1994: Toni Braxton
1993: Arrested Development
1992: Marc Cohn
1991: Mariah Carey
1990: Milli Vanilli (revoked)
1989: Tracy Chapman
1988: Jody Watley
1987: Bruce Hornsby & The Range
1986: Sade
1985: Cyndi Lauper
1984: Culture Club
1983: Men At Work
1982: Sheena Easton
1981: Christopher Cross
1980: Rickie Lee Jones
1979: A Taste Of Honey
1978: Debby Boone
1977: Starland Vocal Band
1976: Natalie Cole
1975: Marvin Hamlisch
1974: Bette Midler
1973: America
1972: Carly Simon
1971: The Carpenters
1970: Crosby, Stills & Nash
1969: Jose Feliciano
1968: Bobbie Gentry
1967: ---
1966: Tom Jones
1965: The Beatles
1964: The Swingle Swingers
1963: Robert Goulet
1962: Peter Nero
1961: Bob Newhart

I am sure that there are two questions flying through your mind right now:

1) Where are most of these artists now?

2) Bob Newhart?

Well, let us travel back in time to the 1961 Grammy Awards. The thing I remember most vividly is when Ernest Gould won his Best Song award for the "Theme From Exodus." I remember this well because Best Pop Singer of the year Ray Charles and I had just finished a drug laden "glory hole" experience to the strains of that very song.

When I stumbled into the auditorium, my dress tucked partially into my support hose, I saw a balding little comic, Mr. Newhart. I hadn't heard any of his routines yet, but was aware he was up for "Best New Artist." Frank Sinatra, who was my date for the evening and the previous year's Best Pop Vocal winner, introduced me to Bob and told me what he was nominated for.

"Why don't you sing something from your album, Bobby!" I cried.

Well, Bob stammered a little bit, but Frank turned red with rage. He punched me so hard in the stomach that I regurgitated my lunch (and the contents of my stomach from my encounter with Mr. Charles) all over the young comedian. Ah, Frank apologized to Bob profusely, but by this time they were reading the winner of the Best New Artist category.

Frank yelled "Hold it, Zsa Zsa," to the presenter and stormed the podium

The audience burst into thunderous applause as the great man mounted the stage (and later, Zsa Zsa, if rumor is to be believed).

"I would like to read the winner," he said.

Well, nobody argued with Sinatra in those days! He took the envelope and threw it aside.

"I don't need to look at this. We all know who the winner should be. My good friend, Bob Newhart!"

A smattering of applause burst into thunderous applause after Sinatra shot "the look" out to the crowd. Bob was speechless, but made a speech anyways.

Later, he thanked me in the only way I would accept.

He is a funny, funny man and can make a woman "laugh" into the wee hours of the morning, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Now drink up!


I was asked who I hated, to which I replied:

Oh dear, I don't want to spit vitriol all over the place, but something about this topic has struck a nerve! We have lost so many dear, dear, talented and semi-talented celebrities lately that it pains me to think that we might even lose one more.
However, in the spirit of the game, I am reminded of a time that I was asked to be a Neilson family of one.

Well, this was in the early 1990's and there was this show titled "Full House."

It is all fuzzy now, but I remember getting a little tipsy on twelve glasses of gin and, then next thing I knew, I woke up in the back of a van with a group of Hell's Angels. Apparently, I had hired them to drive me to LA where we were going to 'do' Bob Sagat.

While I like to imagine that I had intended to have the bikers hold down Bob while I rode him like a coin operated horse in front of the grocery store, I know in my heart that I had murder on the mind!

Fortunately, I sobered up just in time. The Hell's Angels and I used some recording equpment I had brought along and recorded a little piece for "American's Funniest Home Videos."

Sagat never ran it, but my sources in Hollywood say he was "emotional scarred" from seeing the clip, which involved something that Dirk, leader of the Angels, called "the Dirty Sanchez."

Sometimes, it still pops up on the Internet if you visit the right sites.

Now drink up, my wee ones!


Hello Dearies!

Lady Potamus here!

Exciting news from the world of film! Guy Pearce stars in "The Time Machine," opening this weekend. Well, this puts me in mind of a little experience I had a few years back with none other than H. G. Wells.

Well, I was touring England in the fall of '42 in support of our boys "over there." My host was Sir Charlie Chaplin, before he was actually knighted by the Queen. Anyhow, I knew I would have no chance with the great silent film star, since I was already a little long in the tooth for Mr. Chaplin, who liked his girls like he liked his chin: hairless and covered with his own drool.

However, while we were traveling, who should wander into our floor show but Mr. Wells himself. He was near the end of a long life and had seen better days. Indeed, he was an angry man. I remarked that he was bitter, to which he replied:

"Come taste how bitter I am."

Well, I needed no more invitation than that! I walked right over and licked him on the face. Not just one lick! No! I licked his face like he was a science fiction writing popsickle.

Sir Charles was stunned, as was Mr. Wells. They attempted to pry me off, but I had already started planting a full suction hickey on the great writer's neck, which made it virtually impossible to remove me without pulling off a huge chunk of flesh from the old bloke.

To make a long story short, Mr. Wells was so inspired by my tongue work that he wrote his last great work of science fiction, "Voyage to the Center of my Pants," after our encounter.

Ah, literature!

Hope you're enjoying a good, stiff drink!

3:39 AM

Sunday, September 15, 2002  
I heard that many bloggers were posting 100 Things About Themselves on their blogs in response to the request of a straping young gentleman named The Yankee Blogger.

Well, darlings, I felt that I simply had to take part in this, as I have at least 100 things to say about myself!

1) I lived through most of last century's decades.
2) I enjoy gin.
3) I enjoy rum.
4) I enjoy beer.
5) I enjoy whiskey.
6) I enjoy bourbon.
7) I enjoy absynthe.
8) I enjoy "hooch."
9) I know twelve different ways to turn radishes into alchohol.
10) I have memorized most of the Kama Sutra, except for the really tame parts.
11) I am a member of the Canadian Lady's Dischordian Society.
12) My hair is white as can be, but I rarely take off my blue wig.
13) When I was younger, I was said to resemble "Betty Boop."
14) I was teased mercilessly over my last name as a girl.
15) I have had romantic flings with more than one celebrity.
16) I still get birthday cards from Abe Vigoda.
17) I can be seen in the crowd scenes of Elizabeth Taylor's Cleopatra
18) I am topless in those scenes.
19) I enjoy vermouth.
20) I don't use a spell check program because life is to short to spend time fixing mistakes.
21) I live fast and love hard.
22) Favorite Food: anything with lots of fiber.
23) Favorite Non-Alchoholic Drink: Diet Pepsi
24) Hospital Visits in the last ten years: 43
25) Of those 43, times I was there because I was ill: 2
26) Number of bones broken (lifetime): 17
27) Number of bones broken in the last decade: 0
28) I enjoy a good, stiff martini.
29) I enjoy most things that are good and stiff.
30) I trained in the fine art of innuendo at the Alesteir Crowley Instute, New South Wales.
31) I have visited every continent, including Antartica.
32) I confess, I am responsible for melting a small quantity of the ice down there with my wamr buttocks.
33) I confess that Roald Amundson was involved.
34) I enjoy hard lemonade.
35) I enjoy sherry.
36) I enjoy cooking sherry.
37) I enjoy most so-called cooking wines.
38) I enjoy a nice glass of red wine.
39) I do not care for white wine, but I will drink it if that is all you have.
40) From time to time, I can be forgetful.
41) I sleep in the nude in all but the coldest weather.
42) I plan to publish my memoirs in the near future.
43) I am not afraid of death, though I hope that I go out doing the things that I love.
44) I love, love, love drinking.
45) I confess I may be an alchoholic, though I prefer the term "old lush."
46) I still call out "Oh Uncle Milty" at the moment of crisis, to this day.
47) My drivers license was suspended in 1993 after I backed over a police officer.
48) He still visits me on hot, sweet afternoons.
49) I am disease free. Thank God for penicillan!
50) I was a test subject for penicillan.
51) From time to time, I can be forgetful.
52) I enjoy rubbing alchohol, but only when mixed with a little water and some sugar.
53) I am a licensed reflexologist.
54) I got my degree in celebrity journalism.
55) I watch the 'Sunday Night Sex Show' religiously.
56) I think it was a mistake to leave the British Empire.
57) I think Princess Di was a bitch and that if she'd been any kind of woman she would have done what the my dear old friend the Queen did - fooled around behind her husband's back.
58) I miss the Queen mum.
59) I am deathly allergic to most hairless animals.
60) I would rather wear nothing than wear fur.
61) Actually, I would rather wear nothing, period.
62) I am drunk right now.
63) I enjoy drinking very old grape juice that has sat in the fridge for several months and fermented.
64) I have a hard time telling the difference between being very sloshed and having alchohol poisoning.
65) I was very relieved when they shrunk vibrators down to a more useful size. I especially hated having to get gas for them.
66) Favorite Color: chardonnay.
67) I enjoy chardonnay.
68) I enjoy grand marnier
69) I enjoy most desert drinks
70) Oh, to hell with it, I love all booze and it loves me.
71) Sometimes, I dream that the darkness has seeped into my bed and come to claim my very soul. The horror of existence overwhelms me and I realize I am alone in an uncaring, unfeeling universe. The walls are closing in, metaphorically speaking. I will die alone, unmourned, unloved. I blame this on not drinking enough water before passing out.
72) I am partial to hats and gloves.
73) I am a girl who can't say no.
74) I despise musicals.
75) Sometimes I claim to dislike something so my intellectual compatriots won't shun me. Then I realize most of them are dead.
76) Oh, hell, I like musicals.
77) I sing alto.
78) I will not tell you my age, but will say I am not yet at three digits.
79) I believe I have aged like a fine cheese.
80) I spend far too much time engaged in real life activities and not enough time on the Interweb, but I hope to change that.
81) I have had skin cancers removed from my nose and arm.
82) I have had some other minor nips and tucks here and there, but what lady hasn't?
83) I believe that we are not the people we were born - we are the people that we want to be.
84) I believe in fate.
85) My "safe word" is "Armistice Day."
86) I don't think that young people really understand how horrible war can be.
87) I think it is perfectly fine to aggresively split infinitives.
88) I am sometimes fleunt in French, if I get drunk enough.
89) I have engaged in sexual acts that would make even you blush. Recently, too.
90) I have the body of a 65 year old, if I do say so.
91) I have only had to kill twice in my life.
92) I have learned to love the mournful ache of a broken heart.
93) I don't understand poetry, though I write a bit.
94) I don't care for this rock and roll hip hop music that kids listen to these days. Give me old style Led Zepplin any day of the week, thank you very much. Someday, I will tell you about something I did with a mudshark for John Bohnam.
95) I am a very moral person, after a fashion.
96) I think most people in the world need to lighten up.
97) I have developed the occasional perplexing sore.
98) I like water. I really do.
99) I am thrilled that I have never had to wear glasses, though I am also a little sad, as I find them sensual.
100) Someday, I will visit my mother's grave, but not soon.

That's all! Ta ta!

6:02 AM

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