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Lady Potamus' Tea Room
Friday, May 30, 2003  
There is Still Life, So There is Still Hope

Yes, I have been busy, as you have probably guessed, but I have been busy with something wonderful. As many of you know, my dear old friend Bob Hope turned 100 this week. I have been planning a birthday extravaganza for the great comedian.

I tried to call up his friends, but they are nearly all dead. However, calling them brought back memories... Such memories...

I remember I was a breast double for Dorothy Lamour while Bob and Bing Crosby were filming The Road to Perdition (never released, though I understand there was a remake of the film featuring Paul Newman). I never understood why Dorothy needed me, as she had quite the finest set of breasts in Hollywood at the time.

She took me aside during filming, however, and begged, "please, be as perky as you can. Please..." She then burst into tears and ran off into the night. I later learned that her breats had smothered a 20th Century Fox executive during a wrap party for Johnny Apollo. She had become convinced that "delightfully perky" was preferable to "firm and Hindenburg shaped," silly girl.

At any rate, it got me some work, so I had no business complaining.

Bob was always a perfect gentleman, and his wife, Dolores, watched him like a hawk, so there was no chance for me to enact any of my "Balling Bing and Bob" fantasies. The nearest I got, alas, was a steamy encounter with Monsieur Crosby, his caddy and a nine iron. I think I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.

This week, I was to leap out of a cake for dear old Bob, but he was not up to it. Indeed, he seemed to be totally unaware that I was even there, so complete was his focus on his new video games. He seemed to particularly enjoy "Extreme Beach Volleyball," for obvious reasons.

So, happy birthday Bob! I hope you drank deep and heartily and that it wasn't just geritol!


6:13 PM

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